Facebook; “reconnect with friends and family”. Seek out (and stalk) old high school crushes, workplace flings, or relatives who you haven’t “talked” to for years (for good reasons).
Facebook; Put yourself out there and ask a stranger to be your friend. Take a chance that they will remember you as well as you remember them. “Man, it’s been a long time, great to hear from you! Remember that time we rolled old lady McDermott’s house after she suspended us for putting dead baby sharks in the school pool before the state meet?!? Haha, lol” …Only to get the response “Great hearing from you, too. I don’t remember any of that. All my best to you and your family. Take care”.
Facebook; If you weren’t popular in high school, don’t try to come back and try that shit now. It doesn’t work any better than it did then. It has a way of being a virtual class reunion of sorts. Unless you became a rock star or a doctor between the time your cap tassel hit the ground and today you’d better back the fudge up and know your place in the hierarchy of high school reconnection protocol. The old Prom Queen might grace you with a "friend confirmation" but that doesn't mean you can sniff around her wall.
Facebook; Send a “How is your Mom (Dad, husband, wife, aunt, or dog) doing? Tell ‘em I said Hi! and give ‘em all my best!”. And you get back a “They are dead, thanks for asking, all my best to you, take care”. On facebook you are supposed to give all your best all the time. Note: If you get an "all my best" or a "take care", that is code for "please don't try to interact with me again".
Facebook; Woah: take it easy on those profile pics. Bring it in close for a face shot if you’ve put on a few lbs., crop the top off if you are bald (or balding), or go ahead and post a picture of you with your best-looking kid to validate your genetic value (as in "I might look like shit now but look what I made). Even more bizarre, you see a number of profile "pics" that are cartoon characters or animals. I wonder what that means. If you've been in a horrible accident then God Bless You but if you've just aged badly then that is cheating. And hey, if you don’t want to be “found” then don’t participate. Otherwise let us see what the fuck you look like (currently), ok?
Facebook; How many ways can you say “happy, good, like, glad, or sorry” without having to use those very words. When you don’t know how else to respond, dispense a “thanks for sharing”, a Haha, or an lol. Use an exclamation point to end nearly every sentence because you are excited and you mean it! Interject a dude, bro, man, or buddy with the guys to keep it masculine; "Love you, bro!" will go over... but "I love you, Ray" is something different. Don't get your luv and love fucked up, there will be a problem. Oh, and send ”healing vibes” and "hugs" to the less fortunate (like you are some kind of fucking telepathic typing shaman or something). And don’t give us a spellcheck, you facebook bastards, because we need to reevaluate the intelligence of those who don’t know the difference between to and too, their and there, hear and here, then and than, we’re and were, etc..
Facebook; You let us know more about my friends than we had bargained for. I didn’t want to know so and so was a fan of any right wing, left wing, God fearing, god is dead, or smart ass "turn my house into a pirate ship" group, or that they “heart” tattoos, Harleys, and lingerie models. And don’t get me started on your Farmville, Fishville, Shitville, Mafia Wars score (kapeesh?), or whatever the fuck you just “whipped up” at the whatchacallit cafe. If I scroll-stroll through your “wall” and all I see for miles is your game scores, delicious dishes, or virtual livestock count then you are simply a masturbator.. you are just doing facebook for yourself. All we really want you people to do is post responses to our witty status updates and tag pictures of us (preferably of when we were younger and thinner, please).
Facebook; You give us a “what’s on your mind” box which becomes our “status”. Help us identify and label the needy, clinically depressed, drunkard, who has “the most amazing husband (or wife) in the world!” (which of course means they are banging someone other than their amazing wife or husband), or who is living in some variety of denial.
Facebook; Gives us the philosophers, metaphysics, mystics, provokers, and lyric quoters who post their (Googled) “thought of the day” and “guess what kind of mood I’m in” bullshit. You know, the deep thinkers and Gandhis who are in reality plumbers (like me) or receptionists who would cut you in line at Disney or flip you off in a heartbeat if you are driving like an ass.
Facebook; I love you….as much as I love my “friends” and my “family” who’s last names, spouses names, and children’s names have escaped me if I ever never knew them to begin with. Thank you for letting us spread our love around. We reach deep into the love bag and toss it out all over your pages like candy at a parade.
Facebook: When it comes down to it, what I really want from you is more “friends” than I’ve actually met and I want a deep, immediate bond with them all…without the hassle of hearing their voices. Haha, lol
Facebook; Woah: take it easy on those profile pics. Bring it in close for a face shot if you’ve put on a few lbs., crop the top off if you are bald (or balding), or go ahead and post a picture of you with your best-looking kid to validate your genetic value (as in "I might look like shit now but look what I made). Even more bizarre, you see a number of profile "pics" that are cartoon characters or animals. I wonder what that means. If you've been in a horrible accident then God Bless You but if you've just aged badly then that is cheating. And hey, if you don’t want to be “found” then don’t participate. Otherwise let us see what the fuck you look like (currently), ok?
Facebook; How many ways can you say “happy, good, like, glad, or sorry” without having to use those very words. When you don’t know how else to respond, dispense a “thanks for sharing”, a Haha, or an lol. Use an exclamation point to end nearly every sentence because you are excited and you mean it! Interject a dude, bro, man, or buddy with the guys to keep it masculine; "Love you, bro!" will go over... but "I love you, Ray" is something different. Don't get your luv and love fucked up, there will be a problem. Oh, and send ”healing vibes” and "hugs" to the less fortunate (like you are some kind of fucking telepathic typing shaman or something). And don’t give us a spellcheck, you facebook bastards, because we need to reevaluate the intelligence of those who don’t know the difference between to and too, their and there, hear and here, then and than, we’re and were, etc..
Facebook; You let us know more about my friends than we had bargained for. I didn’t want to know so and so was a fan of any right wing, left wing, God fearing, god is dead, or smart ass "turn my house into a pirate ship" group, or that they “heart” tattoos, Harleys, and lingerie models. And don’t get me started on your Farmville, Fishville, Shitville, Mafia Wars score (kapeesh?), or whatever the fuck you just “whipped up” at the whatchacallit cafe. If I scroll-stroll through your “wall” and all I see for miles is your game scores, delicious dishes, or virtual livestock count then you are simply a masturbator.. you are just doing facebook for yourself. All we really want you people to do is post responses to our witty status updates and tag pictures of us (preferably of when we were younger and thinner, please).
Facebook; You give us a “what’s on your mind” box which becomes our “status”. Help us identify and label the needy, clinically depressed, drunkard, who has “the most amazing husband (or wife) in the world!” (which of course means they are banging someone other than their amazing wife or husband), or who is living in some variety of denial.
Facebook; Gives us the philosophers, metaphysics, mystics, provokers, and lyric quoters who post their (Googled) “thought of the day” and “guess what kind of mood I’m in” bullshit. You know, the deep thinkers and Gandhis who are in reality plumbers (like me) or receptionists who would cut you in line at Disney or flip you off in a heartbeat if you are driving like an ass.
Facebook; I love you….as much as I love my “friends” and my “family” who’s last names, spouses names, and children’s names have escaped me if I ever never knew them to begin with. Thank you for letting us spread our love around. We reach deep into the love bag and toss it out all over your pages like candy at a parade.
Facebook: When it comes down to it, what I really want from you is more “friends” than I’ve actually met and I want a deep, immediate bond with them all…without the hassle of hearing their voices. Haha, lol
1 comments:
like.
and I really meant it about my wonderful husband making frnch onion soup,
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